A Letter to My Husband: Flawed Fertility

To my husband:

I wanted to write an open letter of gratitude. I am flawed. We couldn’t get pregnant because of me. When we were going through fertility treatments, i was thankful that you already had a daughter of your own. I was already a failure, i couldn’t imagine failing someone who was childless. You did everything I asked of you, and you did it all out of love. I couldn’t ask for a better husband.

The physical, emotional and financial stress of infertility can ruin a marriage. We stayed the course the entire journey. We did everything we could do and made all of these choices together. I know if we would have wanted to adopt or to do IVF, we would have found a way to raise the money. You would have found a way for us to do it.

I was terrified that I would resent you for what you have–a biological child. Infertile couples are 3 times more likely to divorce. Unresolved grief can destroy a relationship. You came to therapy with me, prayed with me, came with me to my appointments, and held me as I cried. Typically, women are more upset about infertility than men. I was upset, and you stayed by my side. You were there through my insecurities, depression and stress.

My flawed fertility made us stronger. When we started dating, we had a plan for our life together; nothing has gone according to plan. I feel very honored and blessed to call you my husband. The morning of my hysterectomy, we prayed together. We said a prayer out loud, as we held hands. That day was my last pregnancy test. My last negative pregnancy test. I know the journey will be long, we will always have hard days, but it will be okay. I love you even more. I believe you came into my life to help me get through this loss.

We may not have a baby together, but we have been blessed. Thank you for sharing your life, your patience, your support, and your love. Thank you for sharing your daughter with me. Thank you for the five dogs we have. Thank you for building this life with me. Thank you for asking me to marry you.

Love Always,

Your Flawed Wife.

Published by

The Infertility Doula

I am a infertile woman with no biological children. My infertility stems from endometriosis and adenomyosis. I work and live in Duluth, Minnesota. I am married with five dogs and have an adult stepdaughter.

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