First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes infertility

I had a plan for my life. I was going to be educated, successful, married and have children of my own. I was going to be a mother. God had different plans: I am educated, have a good job, on my second marriage, have a stepdaughter and I am infertile.

I don’t want my blog to sound negative, I just want it to be real. I do have an amazing life. I do wish I would have focused more on education and career, but my main focus was becoming a mother. I wanted to devote my life to my children. Lesson learned, you cannot put your focus on one area of your life, it may not go the way you plan. Life changes in a blink of an eye, and we have zero control. I have come to accept that.

I just assumed I wouldn’t have any problems getting pregnant. I wanted 4 kids at one point in my life. It’s the worst feeling in the world to tell your parents you won’t be making them grandparents. It was a very hard time for my parents, my dad still gives me looks of sympathy and love when he sees me with my baby nephew. They knew I deserved to be a mother. I would have been a damn good mom.

I personally feel like my god given right was taken from me, I had a choice: make the best of it or drown in it. I admit, there were days I couldn’t get out of bed. I was so depressed. However, I had to function with infertility. We made the choice that a hysterectomy was the best option for my disease, and we made the choice to accept the fact we were infertile.

It’s not an easy journey. I quit going to church, I didn’t want to go out in public, I lashed out with raw emotion to everyone. The worst of me came out. I am still going through this process. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn’t believe it was going to be this hard. Maybe I am treading water? I am strong enough to keep my head above water for air, but I am so tired. I bet anyone who is going through this struggle, and is reading this are nodding their head, “yes! I am going through this and I understand!” We need to speak up so people can understand.

How do we deal with everyone around us who can get pregnant? I think everyone deals with that in their own way. Sadness comes to my mind the most. Its difficult going to baby showers, hard to see baby announcements on social media, and crushing when a family member or a friend is expecting. You are happy for them, but sad for you.

The big questions that come after you get married are always the best, especially when you are infertile. “When are you going to start a family?” I can’t start a family. “How many kids do you have?” None. I have a stepdaughter. “How many kids do you guys want?” I want 2-4, but I can’t have any. “Do you have kids?” No, I am unable to have kids.

Hard questions, honest answers. I don’t want to make anyone feel bad, but I need to be honest. The more honesty I bring out, the more this topic will be heard.

Whatever stage you are at in your journey, be honest and share it. Let others know that you want a family, but it’s a harder process for you and your spouse to achieve that family.

Photo above is by artist Lindsey Portugal.

Published by

The Infertility Doula

I am a infertile woman with no biological children. My infertility stems from endometriosis and adenomyosis. I work and live in Duluth, Minnesota. I am married with five dogs and have an adult stepdaughter.

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