I wanted to start a blog to make a difference. I wanted to create a resource for women and couples who are struggling. Infertility is a taboo topic, and it’s hard to find an environment to express our emotions, trials and tribulations. I chose the word “flawed” because it means imperfection. We are human, and far from perfect. We need to be able to speak up and talk about our damages, blemishes and imperfections. Accepting imperfection and dealing with reality can be very difficult.
How do you deal with the unexpected? Infertility can be a death of a dream. When I was first trying to get pregnant, I never thought twice about infertility. I had seen doctors since I was a young teen, and they never thought I would have an issue. When the negative pregnancy tests started to happen as an adult, you start to wonder, “why am I different? what’s wrong with me?” Besides the consults with the doctors, I needed someone out of the medical field to talk about my struggles. I needed someone on my level, someone who understood what I was dealing with.
I started to do my own research. Google will scare the shit out of you! WebMD may not be your best option! I found my support group online, in my area. I reached out, and found myself at dinner with some lovely ladies a month later. They have been my greatest source of information and support. I highly recommend it. Everyone was on the same level, but with different situations. I learned more from this group of women than from any doctor I saw or any book I read. When I went and saw my OB doctor and requested a lab from her, she stated: “Someone has done their homework.” Yes, I have. I am knowledgeable, and ready to fight this. I lost my battle, but I gained many new friends and I thank one of those ladies in particular for being brave enough to share her journey and start that support group–Thanks, D.
RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association exists to improve the lives of people living with infertility. Connecting and empowering men and women to find their voice. This website and social media page has many events for their mission. Every year they campaign infertility awareness week. Here is there website: http://www.resolve.org/
What is Reproductive Endocrinology? it’s a branch of medicine that identifies and treats infertility in both men and women. RE is a subspecialty of OB/GYN that trains physicians in reproductive medicine addressing hormonal functioning in the issue of infertility. We made the choice to see an RE after we had seen about 4 other doctors, OB doctors and Family Medicine doctors. I felt I needed to take this step, all of my other treatments had failed me. They took my entire history, every lab I had done to that point, sat down with me and we went over the plan. They did everything my OB doctor wouldn’t do. It was extremely helpful, If I would have known RE existed, i would have gone there after 12 months of failure. My support group told me about RE, and now I am telling you!
Self-blame. This will start to happen if you fail. I knew it was my fault. Here’s the thing–men and women can suffer from infertility, it isn’t just women alone. If you aren’t getting pregnant, maybe there is something going on with your spouse. I believe it’s important both of you get checked. My husband was more than supportive to get checked over and donate a sample for testing. How awkward, but he did it. This is also a man who already has a biological child with someone else, so he has been successful in the past. His testing was all normal. Thank you, James for doing something most men wouldn’t want to do, and being supportive in our journey. I am sorry I failed us, but you have a beautiful daughter, and you love me anyways. Thank you for trying to help me achieve my dream of becoming a mother.
Therapy. what is the first thing we think of when a therapist is brought up? “I am not crazy.” Infertility can make you feel crazy. I have never gone through a miscarriage, since I have never been pregnant, but I am sure that extreme loss can lead to emotional distress at a high level. My therapist really helped me get through the emotional despair. When we made the choice to have a hysterectomy, my husband came with me at one point, so we could go through the motions together. It was helpful to talk to someone with a different view point. Infertility can bring a lot of grief and a lot of pain, it’s okay to talk to someone about it. Religion may also be a very helpful type of therapy used. I know I prayed a lot during my time of need. I haven’t seen many churches talk about infertility or loss, but there are usually “prayer chains” that you can participate in.
You can find all the resources you need. If you are struggling, please use these tools: blogs, support groups, websites, doctors, therapists, family, friends and pets. We have five dogs. They will be written about later, you will love them!
Start a conversation with someone who is struggling. 💕
If you’d like to email me your story, I would love to hear it or even share it to help others. Please email me at BreesBlue2@aol.com